Posted in In A Nutshell

In A Nutshell #23 – Temporary

To put it mildly–I’ve been struggling.

These past few years have been a barrage of one misfortune after the other.

At one point, I didn’t believe I would make it past January.

But I know this rut is temporary. 

Just as the good times must end, so shall the insufferable times.

Yet something ugly will always rear its head and remind you that the conflict is just below the surface.

It pines away, waiting for you to fall so that it can drag you back down into the abyss.

It knows that its time is only temporary. 

If you succumb to the dread, the dark and damp, it will always win.

Once you realize you’re doomed, you can move on to acceptance.

Because suffering is only temporary. 


Posted in In A Nutshell

In A Nutshell #22 – Control

I’ve tried to deny it.

I wanted to hide it from the world–my family and friends.

But it’s becoming increasingly difficult to keep it locked away.

I’m losing control.

I fight it every second of every day.

Bit by bit, I’m losing the battle.

And I’m terrified of what will happen when I do.

Who will suffer the consequences?

My parents or my best friend?

I can’t bear the thought of losing them.

Especially because I was too weak to keep them safe.

These thoughts are ever constant, nagging in the back of mind.

It’s only a matter of time before I reveal myself to the world.

What am I supposed to do?

How do I protect the people I love from myself?

I must learn control because if I don’t…

Then I’ll their deaths will be on my hands.


Posted in What My Baby Taught Me

What My Baby Taught Me #1 – Planning?

This week’s life lesson is sponsored by Caffeine the one and only “Sleep-replacer.”

There’s nothing like seeing your child born into the world…and then there’s really nothing like seeing your kid born into the world six weeks early.

Our baby’s due date was scheduled for February 14th, 2017, so based on that we already started planning the rest of the year. My wife and I attended one of her many doctor’s appointments where they perform an ultrasound to see how the baby’s doing. We expected it to be a routine visit and then we would be on our way. Oh, how wrong we were…

30 minutes into the ultrasound, I’m already chewing my nails; I’ve been trying to quit this horrible habit for years now, but this wasn’t helping. Apparently, during any ultrasound, a fetus has to meet 8 out of 8 criteria before everything is considered normal.

Our baby only met 4 out of 8 that day.

We were sent to the hospital for a monitoring session for the rest of the day. By this time, my blood pressure was through the roof, and I usually don’t have issues despite my red meat and sodium-themed diet. As you can imagine, my wife was a wreck as well. So, we’re sitting in the hospital room, and the nurse is hooking her up to all the machinery. The nurse can tell we were stretched pretty thin and she was trying her hardest to break the tension.

After a few nervous laughs, everything was ready to go, and the nurse left the room. My wife and I are trying to stay calm and confident, but things were looking bleak. But we wanted to stay strong, no matter what. About the time we found our strength, the nurse came back with a tense look plastered on her features, which immediately put us on edge.

My wife’s OB-GYN had seen all the test results for the day and decided that, in light of recent events, she was scheduling my wife for an emergency cesarean. So, while I tried to keep my wife (and myself) from hyperventilating, the hospital staff prepped her for surgery.

Before I knew it, I was staring at my son, Hudson William Bernard, for the first time.

Now that things have started to settle down and I’m getting the hang of this “Daddy thing,” I wanted to start recording my experiences raising my son. Some things I’ve learned are obvious, sort of like common sense. Others are perspectives I never would have seen before having my son. This tip is one of the former.

I’ve always been very plan-oriented kind of guy. On the weekends, I’ll plan my day according to what I want to accomplish whether that’s getting my snack on, playing video games, or household chores. It’s taken me every bit of 3 months to realize that those days are behind me. As my story points out, when your child isn’t ready to do something (or in this case IS ready) you go with the flow.

What My Baby Has Taught Me: Never plan your day or don’t expect your plan to be followed.

In this respect, plans are an outline. If you can teach your 3-month-old to follow an itinerary, then I applaud you, and I want to know your secret. Until then, you’re on “baby time” and the sooner you accept it, the better off your first year will be.

I’m only four months in, but I’ve decided to adopt this epiphany early and run with it. It’s taken a bit longer, but my wife is coming on board as well.

Well, that’s it for this week’s entry. Tune in next week to see what new life lessons my baby will teach me.

Thank you for reading!